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How to Talk to Someone with Depression
Posted By: ethernum;
Category: Health;
November 2, 2008
Author ethernum;
1
There Isn't Always a Reason.
Anyone who has suffered from depression understands that being asked repeatedly, "What's wrong?" can be more harmful than helpful. Sometimes an episode is a result of a particular life event or circumstance, and sometimes it is helpful to talk about the causes of an episode. But sometimes, depression comes out of nowhere, for no particular reason. Sometimes, there's nothing to say but, "I feel miserable, and I don't know why."
Telling someone, "You have no reason to be sad," or, "You have so much to be happy about," can make that person feel worse instead of better. Pain is resilient to logic. Acting as though depression is something that you can use logic to overcome can be perceived as a way of blaming the person suffering from it. If you had diabetes, you wouldn't want someone to imply that you should "just get over it," or behaving as though it was your own fault.
Start out by saying something supportive, like, "I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm here for you." If you have felt similarly, you can express empathy. You can say, "What you're describing sounds familiar," or "I've felt that way before." If you haven't, you can say that, too. "I can't really relate to that, but it sounds really painful." You don't have to be eloquent. You can simply say, "Man, that sucks. Is there anything I can do?"
Anyone who has suffered from depression understands that being asked repeatedly, "What's wrong?" can be more harmful than helpful. Sometimes an episode is a result of a particular life event or circumstance, and sometimes it is helpful to talk about the causes of an episode. But sometimes, depression comes out of nowhere, for no particular reason. Sometimes, there's nothing to say but, "I feel miserable, and I don't know why."
Telling someone, "You have no reason to be sad," or, "You have so much to be happy about," can make that person feel worse instead of better. Pain is resilient to logic. Acting as though depression is something that you can use logic to overcome can be perceived as a way of blaming the person suffering from it. If you had diabetes, you wouldn't want someone to imply that you should "just get over it," or behaving as though it was your own fault.
Start out by saying something supportive, like, "I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm here for you." If you have felt similarly, you can express empathy. You can say, "What you're describing sounds familiar," or "I've felt that way before." If you haven't, you can say that, too. "I can't really relate to that, but it sounds really painful." You don't have to be eloquent. You can simply say, "Man, that sucks. Is there anything I can do?"
2
My Depression Isn't About You.
Once, when I confessed to my roommate that I was seriously contemplating suicide, he responded by saying, "I can't believe you find living with me so terrible that you'd rather be dead." It was hard to make him understand that he was not responsible for my depression, and my misery was not a reflection on him. In fact, I enjoyed his company very much, and I trusted him enough to tell him the truth about how depressed I was. But after that talk, I was reluctant to talk to him again about how I was feeling. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and so I suffered silently... until I ended up in a hospital.
Finding out that someone you love is depressed is always a disturbing experience. You will be probably experience anxiety about the well-being of your loved one. You might be tempted to blame yourself, or take it personally. But ask yourself: Would you prefer to be trusted and confided in, or would you prefer that your friend take drastic actions because they feel they have no one to talk to?
You can help alleviate some of the guilt your friend might be feeling by saying things like, "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me the truth," or "I want you to always be able to talk to me about how you're feeling."
Once, when I confessed to my roommate that I was seriously contemplating suicide, he responded by saying, "I can't believe you find living with me so terrible that you'd rather be dead." It was hard to make him understand that he was not responsible for my depression, and my misery was not a reflection on him. In fact, I enjoyed his company very much, and I trusted him enough to tell him the truth about how depressed I was. But after that talk, I was reluctant to talk to him again about how I was feeling. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and so I suffered silently... until I ended up in a hospital.
Finding out that someone you love is depressed is always a disturbing experience. You will be probably experience anxiety about the well-being of your loved one. You might be tempted to blame yourself, or take it personally. But ask yourself: Would you prefer to be trusted and confided in, or would you prefer that your friend take drastic actions because they feel they have no one to talk to?
You can help alleviate some of the guilt your friend might be feeling by saying things like, "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me the truth," or "I want you to always be able to talk to me about how you're feeling."
3
Go Ahead and State the Obvious.
Depression distorts perception. You might think it goes without saying that you don't want your friend to harm himself, but trust me: You should say it. Go ahead and say the things that matter, even if you feel awkward about it. "I care about you very much. I want you to be safe. I would be devastated if you harmed yourself." You might feel like an actor in an After School Special, but you can't possibly make someone feel worse by telling them that you care whether they live or die.
Tell them, "I want you to get all the help you need." If they have not sought medical treatment or therapy, encourage them to do so. If they are already in therapy and/or taking medications, don't press them for information - this can lead to defensiveness. Even with therapy, medications, and support groups, depression can still exist. You can do everything you're "supposed" to do, and still be miserable.
Depression distorts perception. You might think it goes without saying that you don't want your friend to harm himself, but trust me: You should say it. Go ahead and say the things that matter, even if you feel awkward about it. "I care about you very much. I want you to be safe. I would be devastated if you harmed yourself." You might feel like an actor in an After School Special, but you can't possibly make someone feel worse by telling them that you care whether they live or die.
Tell them, "I want you to get all the help you need." If they have not sought medical treatment or therapy, encourage them to do so. If they are already in therapy and/or taking medications, don't press them for information - this can lead to defensiveness. Even with therapy, medications, and support groups, depression can still exist. You can do everything you're "supposed" to do, and still be miserable.
4
Take the Situation Seriously.
Sometimes laughter is the best medicine. But if someone you love is in the depths of depression, they may have lost the ability to laugh or enjoy the things they normally love. In these circumstances, a joke can be taken badly. If a friend tells you that they are miserable, acknowledge that you take their pain seriously. You may be tempted to make jokes as a way to diffuse the tension or awkwardness you're feeling, but making a joke - especially at your friend's expense - can make them feel like you don't care about what they're going through. Demonstrate some sensitivity.
Sometimes laughter is the best medicine. But if someone you love is in the depths of depression, they may have lost the ability to laugh or enjoy the things they normally love. In these circumstances, a joke can be taken badly. If a friend tells you that they are miserable, acknowledge that you take their pain seriously. You may be tempted to make jokes as a way to diffuse the tension or awkwardness you're feeling, but making a joke - especially at your friend's expense - can make them feel like you don't care about what they're going through. Demonstrate some sensitivity.
5
Ask the Right Questions.
Being asked, "Are you okay?" over and over gets a little tedious. Especially when the answer is, frankly, "No."
Ask the Right Questions.
Being asked, "Are you okay?" over and over gets a little tedious. Especially when the answer is, frankly, "No."
Being asked, "Are you okay?" over and over gets a little tedious. Especially when the answer is, frankly, "No."
Ask the Right Questions.
Being asked, "Are you okay?" over and over gets a little tedious. Especially when the answer is, frankly, "No."
6
Phrase the Questions Carefully.
One of the most frustrating things about being depressed is that you can lose the ability to feel that you deserve the things you want and to feel capable of making requests of other people. Asking "Can I make you some tea?" instead of "Do you want me to make you some tea?" implies that you want to make me some tea, instead of offering to do it because you feel obligated.
Personal contact can be very helpful, but is not always appropriate. Ask, "Can I give you a hug?" or, "Can I give you a back massage?" People suffering from depression may not want to be touched, and you should respect their wishes. However, if they are comfortable being touched, deep pressure sends calming messages to the brain. A hand or foot massage is a simple and effective way to help alleviate anxiety.
One of the most frustrating things about being depressed is that you can lose the ability to feel that you deserve the things you want and to feel capable of making requests of other people. Asking "Can I make you some tea?" instead of "Do you want me to make you some tea?" implies that you want to make me some tea, instead of offering to do it because you feel obligated.
Personal contact can be very helpful, but is not always appropriate. Ask, "Can I give you a hug?" or, "Can I give you a back massage?" People suffering from depression may not want to be touched, and you should respect their wishes. However, if they are comfortable being touched, deep pressure sends calming messages to the brain. A hand or foot massage is a simple and effective way to help alleviate anxiety.
7
Push Fluids.
It might sound ridiculous, but drinking water, (decaffeinated) tea, milk, hot chocolate, or another beverage can be helpful. Being dehydrated can make any situation worse, and besides, beverages can have calming effects. Drinking something forces you to into a more comfortable breathing pattern. It gives you something to hold and something to focus on. Warm liquids are known to be particularly soothing.
Even though alcohol has a sedative effect, I don't recommend offering a depressed person alcohol, since alcohol abuse is not a particularly healthy coping mechanism. You might also be tempted to offer your friend a sedative or prescription medication. The last thing you want to do is encourage an addiction or chemical dependency. If your friend is in desperate need of a sedative, offer to take them to an emergency room.
It might sound ridiculous, but drinking water, (decaffeinated) tea, milk, hot chocolate, or another beverage can be helpful. Being dehydrated can make any situation worse, and besides, beverages can have calming effects. Drinking something forces you to into a more comfortable breathing pattern. It gives you something to hold and something to focus on. Warm liquids are known to be particularly soothing.
Even though alcohol has a sedative effect, I don't recommend offering a depressed person alcohol, since alcohol abuse is not a particularly healthy coping mechanism. You might also be tempted to offer your friend a sedative or prescription medication. The last thing you want to do is encourage an addiction or chemical dependency. If your friend is in desperate need of a sedative, offer to take them to an emergency room.
8
Encourage Rest.
If your friend is calm enough to rest, encourage them to sleep. Most things seem more manageable in the light of day. If they are too anxious, you can offer to put on soothing music. (I suggest Rachael Sage, Dar Williams, and Sarah McLaughlan.)
If they would prefer to be actively distracted, you can offer to watch a movie with them. Many depressed people have a particular film that they watch in times of crisis - a security blanket in movie form. If your friend doesn't want to choose, I suggest avoiding screwball comedies and serious dramas. A mystery or suspense film can work well as a distraction. Encourage your friend to recline in a comfortable position and relax. Hopefully this will lead naturally to sleep.
If your friend is calm enough to rest, encourage them to sleep. Most things seem more manageable in the light of day. If they are too anxious, you can offer to put on soothing music. (I suggest Rachael Sage, Dar Williams, and Sarah McLaughlan.)
If they would prefer to be actively distracted, you can offer to watch a movie with them. Many depressed people have a particular film that they watch in times of crisis - a security blanket in movie form. If your friend doesn't want to choose, I suggest avoiding screwball comedies and serious dramas. A mystery or suspense film can work well as a distraction. Encourage your friend to recline in a comfortable position and relax. Hopefully this will lead naturally to sleep.
9
Resist the Urge to Take Charge.
Many people, when they first learn of a friend's suicidal feelings, immediately leap to the conclusion that they need to call 911 and that their friend needs to be hospitalized. This is easy to understand. If you have no experience supporting someone with depression, you will probably want for an expert to take over. You might want to call your friend's parents or significant other. That's understandable, but ask them first. It's hard to believe, but sometimes a parent can actually make a bad situation worse. Ask your friend if there's anyone they want to talk to - a doctor, a therapist, a parent, another friend. If they don't want to talk, offer to talk for them. But if they ask you to keep the discussion between the two of you, respect their wishes.
If you are in an emergency situation - meaning, you believe there is an immediate danger to your friend - that is the only time it is appropriate to call emergency services. If your friend can assure you they are not in immediate danger, you need to trust their judgment.
Many people assume that hospitalization is the best course of action during a mental health problem, but hospitalization is not the only option, and it is not always the best. Hospital mental wards are designed to keep patients alive. In a mental ward, a patient is kept away from sharp objects and shoelaces until a doctor decides that they aren't a danger to themselves. Sometimes this is what people need - to surrender their autonomy in order to feel safe. For others, it is a nightmare.
Many people, when they first learn of a friend's suicidal feelings, immediately leap to the conclusion that they need to call 911 and that their friend needs to be hospitalized. This is easy to understand. If you have no experience supporting someone with depression, you will probably want for an expert to take over. You might want to call your friend's parents or significant other. That's understandable, but ask them first. It's hard to believe, but sometimes a parent can actually make a bad situation worse. Ask your friend if there's anyone they want to talk to - a doctor, a therapist, a parent, another friend. If they don't want to talk, offer to talk for them. But if they ask you to keep the discussion between the two of you, respect their wishes.
If you are in an emergency situation - meaning, you believe there is an immediate danger to your friend - that is the only time it is appropriate to call emergency services. If your friend can assure you they are not in immediate danger, you need to trust their judgment.
Many people assume that hospitalization is the best course of action during a mental health problem, but hospitalization is not the only option, and it is not always the best. Hospital mental wards are designed to keep patients alive. In a mental ward, a patient is kept away from sharp objects and shoelaces until a doctor decides that they aren't a danger to themselves. Sometimes this is what people need - to surrender their autonomy in order to feel safe. For others, it is a nightmare.
10
Accept Your Limits.
Some experts would probably say that it is better to be safe than sorry - if you think there's any chance your friend might kill themselves, you should call 911 immediately. This makes sense - obviously you don't want to take any chances with a life-or-death situation. But there are two sides to consider. If you betray a friend by supplementing your judgment for theirs, they won't come to you next time. The last thing you want is for them to feel like they have no one to talk to, because that can lead directly to suicide attempts. If your friend really wants to die, they will find a way. All you can do is provide the best support you can. And you can only provide support if they want to let you.
There are going to be times when a friend's depression threatens your own mental well-being. If you find that supporting a friend is having serious negative effects on your own mental health, you have to accept your limits and take care of yourself. If you live with someone with depression, you might want to read some books about the care-taking experience, join a support group, or even find a therapist of your own. This is probably the hardest rule of all to follow, and it's something I personally continue to struggle with.
Some experts would probably say that it is better to be safe than sorry - if you think there's any chance your friend might kill themselves, you should call 911 immediately. This makes sense - obviously you don't want to take any chances with a life-or-death situation. But there are two sides to consider. If you betray a friend by supplementing your judgment for theirs, they won't come to you next time. The last thing you want is for them to feel like they have no one to talk to, because that can lead directly to suicide attempts. If your friend really wants to die, they will find a way. All you can do is provide the best support you can. And you can only provide support if they want to let you.
There are going to be times when a friend's depression threatens your own mental well-being. If you find that supporting a friend is having serious negative effects on your own mental health, you have to accept your limits and take care of yourself. If you live with someone with depression, you might want to read some books about the care-taking experience, join a support group, or even find a therapist of your own. This is probably the hardest rule of all to follow, and it's something I personally continue to struggle with.
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My personal experience with depression is extensive. I have suffered from clinical depression for most of my life. I have been in some form of therapy, on and off, since I was eight. I have attended group therapy and depression support groups. I have been hospitalized twice for depression (in 2003, when I was 19, and again in 2007, when I was 23). I have been on a remarkable variety of anti-depressants and other mood-altering medications. And despite these experiences, I have still found myself confused about how to help others around me during times of mental distress. I have frequently wished that I could be of more help to friends in need. It can be difficult to talk to someone, even if you are very close, when they are experiencing depression, because depression can distort perception and make even easygoing people sensitive or even defensive.
I have attempted to provide a few simple guidelines for talking to someone who is depressed, based on my personal experiences and those of friends and family members. Everyone finds different things helpful, and that's why these suggestions are so broad. They are only suggestions, based on what I have found useful in the past, and if they do not have a positive effect, feel free to disregard them immediately.
My training in psychology is limited to the introductory courses I have taken in human development in college. My advice should not be substituted for that of a trained professional. I realize that it is much easier to say what is not helpful than it is to say what is helpful. I have tried to provide as much of both type of advice as possible, based on my personal experiences